Recently, my editor emailed me asking about writing a commentary piece on the NCAA Tournament and naturally, I said yes. There was one problem, however. My college basketball knowledge is… limited, to say the least. Me discussing college basketball would be like Oprah discussing her diet; it just doesn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I love March Madness, it’s one of my favorite times of the year, but I just don’t follow college basketball on a regular basis.

When trying to decide how to form this article, I decided that trying to analyze via Google to sound smart wasn’t the way to go. I then thought back to how my sister used to fill out her brackets. She always had the best brackets, and she didn’t know a single thing about college basketball. So, here is my analysis of the first round of the NCAA Tournament, without a single ounce of college basketball knowledge.

The No. 1 seeds in this year’s tournament are Kentucky, North Carolina (Since UNCW is in the same UNC school system, can we take credit for their success?) Michigan State and Syracuse. They will win their first round games. Sorry Lamar/Vermont!

I like all the 2 seeds to win as well, but I could see No. 15 Detroit upsetting Kansas, only because of those really inspiring Chrysler commercials with Eminem and Clint Eastwood. The media loves to spin the “Detroit is rising from the ashes” angle. I smell a conspiracy. In the No. 3 vs. No. 14 matchups, I like Georgetown, Marquette, Baylor and Florida State all to win, so no upsets there. Original, I know.

Same goes for all the No. 4 vs. No. 13 matchups. Thirteen is unlucky and four is cosmic. That’s too many outside forces in play for an upset. It starts to get interesting in the No, 5 vs. No. 12 matchups. Notoriously known for upsets, this year the matchups are, as always, intriguing.

I go to school near the beach, so I’ll take Long Beach State over New Mexico. I respect anyone who can stay away from waves long enough to field a good basketball team. Everyone is picking VCU to upset Wichita St., so I won’t. And then there is my favorite matchup of the entire first round. Fifth-seeded Vanderbilt takes on No. 12 Harvard. Making a joke about brains/academics/smarts is too obvious, so I’ll let you make your own. I like Vanderbilt to win.

The No. 6 vs No. 11 matchups feature UNLV-Colorado, Cincinnati-Texas, Murray State-Colorado State and San Diego State- NC State. Las Vegas has all the odds makers and luck on its side, naturally, so I’ll take them. Since I have a soul, I am obligated to route against Texas. Same goes for NC State. And I’ll take Murray State over Colorado State, for no real reason at all.

In the No. 7 vs. No. 10, I’ll take seventh-seeded St. Mary’s and Notre Dame. I’m from Virginia, so I like the ‘Hoos to upset Florida, and I cannot ever pick a team named Gonzaga (All my northern Virginia Catholic schoolers will understand why).

Finally comes the most even matchups of the first round, the eighth seed versus the No. 9s. UConn “upsets” Iowa State to set up a dream matchup with Kentucky in the next round. Kansas State beats Southern Mississippi in a battle of schools from states I never want to go to. Alabama beats Creighton only because the Creighton players will get so sick of hearing “Roll Tide” that they’ll probably forfeit early. And finally, Memphis beats St. Louis, and I have run out of jokes just in time.

There is your in-depth guide to the first round, from yours truly, the college basketball czar.