I think I figured out why they call it March Madness. If you saw how bad my bracket was, you’d be mad too. I mean, Lehigh? Come on Duke, you’re killing me. Norfolk State? Quick, name one Norfolk State player. Or a coach. Or the mascot. Exactly.

Two of my four Final Four teams have already been eliminated, so I’m not feeling too good about my college basketball knowledge right now. You know you have a terrible bracket when half of your Final Four teams don’t make it out of the first weekend. Kim Kardashian’s marriage lasted longer than that.

This weekend’s excuse to not leave the couch starts with the Sweet Sixteen round on Thursday and Friday, followed by the Elite Eight round taking place Saturday and Sunday. First up is Michigan State-Louisville. While I spent four years in high school being a Cardinal, like Louisville, I’m going with Michigan State. You never bet against Tom Izzo in March, and his team looks bound for one of the four spots in New Orleans.

Next comes Marquette-Florida. Florida, fresh off whooping my home team Virginia, looks to pull off an upset against a good Marquette team that I know absolutely nothing about. This game comes down to attendance for me. If notable Gator alumna Erin Andrews is at the game, I like Florida to pull off the upset. You never bet against Erin Andrews. Ever.

Syracuse plays Wisconsin in a battle of which school can be farther away from civilization. ‘Cuse is missing big man Fab Melo, because of academic reasons, and that’s a tough loss. I think Syracuse wins, and I get treated to another week of watching that ridiculous orange mascot dance under the basket. Enjoy the little things in life.

The last game of the night features Ohio State and Cincinnati. I tend to pick against Ohio State whenever possible, although if you’ve never tried a Buckeye, I highly suggest it. They are delicious. Ohio State wins.

Tomorrow North Carolina–a No. 1 seed–will beat Ohio–a No. 13 seed–regardless if Kendall Marshall plays or not. Besides, it wouldn’t be a NCAA Tournament without an obnoxious fan base from a North Carolina college in the Elite Eight. It’s the Tar Heels turn.

But, there can only be one of those per tournament, so that means your time is up NC State. Sorry, Kansas is just too good.

Next up is Baylor versus Xavier. While Xavier wins the cooler name–you really can’t go wrong when your name starts with X–I think Baylor handles its business and wins. It doesn’t hurt that they colored their jerseys with highlighter ink, which I’m sure helps them somehow; I’m just not quite sure how.

That only leaves one more game. One, like the number of eyebrows Kentucky star Anthony Davis has on his face. I don’t know what’s longer, Davis’ wingspan or his unibrow. Where’s John Brenkus and the Sports Science team when you need them? This game is a rematch of the exciting contest between the two teams earlier in the year. When they met in Indiana, the Hoosiers hit a game-winning three-pointer as time expired to give Kentucky its first loss, and only blemish in its regular season record.

I watched the game at Wilmington House of Pizza, where I split a large pizza with a friend for $5.99. I don’t know which was more exciting, the buzzer-beater or the fact that you can get a large pizza for $5.99. Kentucky wins, because let’s be real, Kentucky is really good.

Those are my picks, they’ll probably be wrong.