Let’s face it- the stereotypical college student can have a dirty reputation-a life full of sex, drugs and maybe rock n’ roll.

The average age for women in the United States to lose their virginity is 17.4 and 16.9 for their male counterparts, according to the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. So that means many college students are beginning their freshman year already having had sex and possibly a decent amount of it.

But everyone’s expectations of college romance are different. College virgins do exist, and they aren’t as rare as you’d think.

She Said

UNCW junior Gabrielle Rivette is a confident communications and business double-major with a quirky personality. She loves photography and books and has dreams of owning a bookstore one day. Rivette grew up in a church family from New Bern and is dedicated to a sex-free lifestyle until marriage. Currently, she’s president of UNCW’s Campus Christian Fellowship.

“What else do you have to give your significant other when you get married?” Rivette asked.

After proposing the controversial question, Rivette described an illustration she once saw of a bride on her wedding day giving her husband a perfectly wrapped gift. She suggested that a gift that has been battered or torn up just doesn’t look as good-an interesting point.

But not all Christians are abstinent. Why be the exception?

“I feel like it’s something you want to do when you’re a Christian. Everyone looks at it as God gives you all these rules, but really it’s just a way of living. All the rules will make you a healthier person, and it’s a way of keeping you out of trouble,” Rivette said.

So there’s a definite bonus. Being abstinent means not having to worry about getting pregnant or catching an STD.

According to a study, “The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that about 19 million new cases of STIs occur each year. About one-half of all STIs occur among persons aged 15-24, and the direct medical cost of these diseases for that age group alone was estimated at $6.5 billion in the year 2000.”

So, realistically, not having sex might even save you some medical bills.

For Rivette, the choice has never really affected her social life, even when she moved to UNCW nearly three years ago. She and her friends may not wear sexy dresses and hit the clubs on the weekends, but they do like to dress up and hang out downtown.

“I have a really outgoing personality, and that’s what matters, not if I’ve had sex or not,” Rivette said. “My friends know I am a Christian, so everyone just respects me for it. They’ve always been impressed.”

Plus, Rivette’s abstinent lifestyle makes the search for a good guy a little bit easier, knowing she’ll only be with someone who can respect her choices.

“It’s great at getting guys to leave me alone too. That’s the difference, the good guy isn’t going to make you have sex if you don’t want to,” she said.

Rivette wasn’t allowed to date until she was 16-her parent’s rule- and she’s had a few boyfriends since. Practicing abstinence does limit her dating selection, and she’s had to break up with guys in the past because of it.

“It’s definitely difficult. That’s all the guys want right now, even the guys at church,” Rivette said. “But I have friends who are with fantastic guys. I know they exist.”

And a relationship without sex means a relationship with fewer complications. In many ways, that helps her dating confidence.

“I think it makes me more comfortable, just knowing that there is only so far we’re going to go. No matter what people say, I think it’s the most intimate thing for two people; it gets you emotionally attached. I don’t just go make out with someone and go tell my friends,” she said.

We’ve all overheard people on campus in the hallways, bathrooms, or at WAG and Dubs talking about sex-who did it with who, how it was, and if they’re going to do it again. For Rivette, this public talk is confusing. She feels sex should be a private manner. And isn’t it? For all those people who have to hear their dorm hall mate during the night, maybe not.

So what does Rivette think about people who do have sex before marriage?

“I love them. It’s ok; everyone is their own person,” she said.  

He Said

Micah Long is enjoying his first year at UNCW, hoping to major in business and maybe minor in creative writing. You might recognize him on campus riding his Razor scooter and wearing his baseball cap backwards. He graduated from Wilmington Christian Academy (WCA) last year, and grew up in a devoted family with four siblings.

Long says he is practicing abstinence for two reasons.

 

“First of all, I feel that I owe it to my future wife, that she’s the only one I’ve ever loved,” he said. “And the reason that it’s important to Christians is because God is pictured as a father, and marriage is a symbol of that love. I just want to respect the relationship.”

Graduating from WCA and coming to UNCW has been a significant transition for Long. At WCA, the culture is different-a private school with an obvious religious focus.

“I’d say the majority of people there are abstinent. There are only a handful of people that have had sex. And if you have, you probably wouldn’t tell people,” Long said. Naturally, this is a total 360 from the college culture.

With that being said, Long doesn’t constantly feel pressured to change his lifestyle at UNCW. The biggest difference from WCA that he typically notices is that that people curse a lot- so damn true.

 “The subject has only come up like twice,” Long said. “Last year, I was in the library studying calculus with friends. I had just mentioned that I was a virgin, and my friends were a little shocked. I kind of looked away and whispered, just kidding.”

At UNCW, Long already has a strong group of Christian friends, some who came from WAC, so he has plenty of people who encourage him to stay abstinent. Still, being so outgoing, he likes to meet new people on campus, even those who may not have the same views.

“It’s been fun to come to UNCW and meet people with all kinds of ideas. I would say it’s wrong outside of marriage, but would I shun someone like that? No. I have friends that do, but it’s just like anything else- you can disagree with people and still be friends with them,” Long said. “Everyone has to make their own choices.”

And, like everything, those choices can have major effects. UNCW psychology professor Cameron Gordon’s research interests include the understanding of how human virtues can help achieve a good relationship.

“I guess the most consistent thing I can say about [abstinence] is it’s very different from one person to the next. It means something different for every person. It’s important for two people to be on the same page, or it can lead to people getting hurt if that’s not addressed,” Gordon said.

Long does acknowledge that people might think he is a “freaky virgin” or a “weirdo.” And that has potential to get in the way while he’s dating.

“I generally would be interested in people who are like me anyway. I don’t drink either, so it’s not like I have to explain it to someone at a bar. Yeah, there’s a small pool of people like me, but I already know a lot of them,” he said.

It’s a small pool indeed. From 2006-2008, among women aged 15-44, only 11 percent had never had any form of sexual activity with a male partner in their lives, according to CDC.

But that doesn’t worry Long. Nor does it affect his confidence.

“I tend to be pretty over confident anyway,” he admitted. “It’s not like you can’t be attractive if you’re abstinent, that’s just kind of silly.”

So he has perspective. As a new UNCW student, surrounded by talk about sex and girls in mini-skirts, he might face issues in order to keep his promise, but he’s willing to take the challenge.

“If you’re a firm believer, then it won’t be that difficult,” he said. “Everything you do has consequences. If you’re really committed, you can afford to wait.