SATIRE: The best towns to live in after college—according to a person with no expertise


David Joles

A runner endures yet another sunless day in Minnesota along Bde Maka Ska Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2020, in Minneapolis.

Jenna Tripp, Contributing Writer

Today we will examine different places to move after finishing the best four years of your life. “How could it go up from here?” You may ask. My answer is simple—check this article. I myself have never moved anywhere but from my home to my college apartment, so I figured I would be the most qualified to share with the crowd my informed opinion on living arrangements in the U.S. Our criteria for the most perfect places to live are:

  1. Good
  2. Has coffee
  3. Has animals
  4. Has gangs
  5. You can probably make money

With these in mind, we will have no problems finding you the best place to live! Let’s get a move on!

Oklahoma City, OK

We are starting out with a fun one. If you are super into petroleum, oil and gas drilling, this city will for sure give you a pumpin’ time and most likely make you some form of money. (Possibly bitcoin! Not sure though!) They are ranked 60 out of 100 on WalletHub for best coffee cities in America, so it is very credible and has the potential for clout.

The gangs have really got it going on, so it will surely keep you on your toes. The gangs in this central region are mostly Hispanic in nature, so if you are interested in the cultural value of being part of a family, I would take this into consideration. I would not take a brisk walk at night, but you will not have time with your awesome new underground job anyways because LIFE! Overall, I would say it is good. It has animals AND trees, so that is a bonus. Their state animal is the buffalo, which is also the official mammal symbol of the United States. Big and strong just like this city. Get there quick!

Minneapolis, MN

Minneapolis is the place to be if you have no idea where you are going. Straight up, their gang violence is through the roof. You will have no problems finding some stuff to get into. There is a lot of history packed into this gang business with territory and drug disputes. Pretty wicked and lots of adventure if I do say so myself! They are ranked 16th in best coffee cities in America, so that really rocks my socks! They have animals, but they are nothing special. Their state animal is the deer, which is boring but non-threatening. It helps balance out the gang violence. If you enjoy caring for the sick and elderly, this little nook is well overdue for some good ol’ fashioned hospitality. This job requires the hospitality of a southern woman on Thanksgiving. If you would rather be second in command as the assistant, this is the second-best place to be. That is because the only people that live here are the elderly, the elderly care and gangs. What a trip!

Anchorage, AK

Did someone say isolation? If you want to be in the United States without actually being in the United States, this your habitat! Coming in at 61 out of 100 right behind Oklahoma City, the coffee is not, how you say, “off the chain,” but it will do. You are asking a lot of a state that cannot even stay bright during the day time year-round. On the occasion that you like wildlife or flying, the jobs will fall into your lap. It also has the petroleum thing going for it too as a back-up. (Still could be paid in bitcoin. Not sure though!) The gangs are cool here just like the atmosphere. They have their parts and you have yours! You can get some gang action while having a nice place to relax at night. The animals might be the discussion point of this cute city though. A moose is the main concern when taking your nightly walk (which I still would not do). This place is good for what you get. Start moving now—it’s a long trip!

New Orleans, LA

And we are back to the jazz capital of the south. The only place where you can have voodoo friends on the other side AND eat a beignet! Truly a remarkable place. If that does not excite you, wait until you hear about the job opportunities! You can be a RETAIL SALESPERSON. How freaking cool is that! The awesome jobs like that never end. You can really be who you want to be—a store clerk, a registered nurse or a felon! That is right folks. Speaking of crime, this joint has high gang violence! The most ill-famed gangs formed in this city in the 1980s. The Glenn Metz gang was the most notorious. There are animals too! The state animal is the black bear, so sometimes the gangs and the bears get together and have brunch. Quite a photo-op to send to your friends back home! Wouldn’t it be nice to have some rich history to make the beignets go down easier? Another treat to go with a beignet would be coffee, coming in 32nd place for best coffee city in the US. How special. Overall, I feel that this place has a lot going for it, so I would say it is good. It receives the no expertise stamp of approval!

Our trip around the country in search for the greatest city is complete. If I have not led you to the perfect metropolis to live in, the only criteria that you should have handy are the five things I have listed above in descending order of importance. Gang violence is the flare that keeps life exciting (or not). After all, you want it to feel like home!

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions, do not ask me. I hope this helped a lot of you out there who desperately need a place to live. Happy home shopping!