I don’t know about you, but I really missed basketball this offseason. It was hard for me to go months without anything basketball related. I felt like Derrick Rose. (Too soon?) But if you need catching up on last season’s action, I’ve got you covered.

First, let’s review what the stars of the NBA have been up to since the season’s end.

Tim Duncan: Who knows? He keeps a low profile. Chess? Checkers? Crossword puzzles? What’s a five-letter word for a shot Timmy missed to tie up the game seven? LAYUP.

Tony Parker: Gearing up for Grease 2, the sequel.

Rajon Rondo: Prepping for the world champs of Connect Four.

Roy Hibbert: Playing “Call of Duty.”

Corey Maggette: Finishing up his degree in technology at Arizona State. (Okay, he’s not a star by any means, but I’ve always been impressed with players who look ahead to life after basketball).

Anthony Bennett: Still trying to palm a basketball. (Hey Cleveland, I can palm a basketball! Pick me next year?)

Stephen Curry: Working on his jab step.

So who did what this season? We know that Miami won the championship, and the Raptors missed the playoffs (some things are given in life). But what about some of the other teams?

 

Thanks For Playing

Charlotte Bobcats

You really have to feel bad for the Bobcats. They tripled their win total last year and still barely managed to edge out the Magic for 29th place in the league. (Inspirational stuff, really. Expect to see it on ESPN Classic soon.) On the upside they have Bismack Biyombo, but Kemba Walker (17.7 ppg last year) will likely be good enough next season to opt out and demand money for a team other than the Bobcats. Hopefully newly signed Al Jefferson can contribute enough to get him to stay.

Orlando Magic

You saw how I wrote about how the Bobcats improved from last year, but still did better than the Magic? That’s all you need to know. Probably the only reason Nikola Vucevic was second in the league in rebounds is because he was there all the times his teammates missed. Alright that was mean, but my point still stands: the Magic are trying to get their ducks in a row after Howard left them last year, and it’ll be a while before they get there. But they might have a start in draft pick, Victor Oladipo.

Minnesota Timberwolves

In a perfect world, the Timberwolves would’ve started Ricky Rubio, Brandon Roy, Andrei Kirilenko, Kevin Love and Nikola Pekovic. In this world, they missed a total of 204 games. Rubio and Love, who are supposed to be the faces of the franchise, were on the floor for Minnesota less than 24 minutes the entire season. Minnesota gets a “thanks for playing” recognition this year because their season was almost a waste. They have the players and the talent but they’re not trying to develop anything.

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

Utah Jazz

The Jazz probably had the most “oh wow, that’s cool, he’s still in the league” players this year. They didn’t really have a superstar, or anything like it, but they had a lot of solid players that contributed well to their team. They really should’ve held onto that 8th and final playoff spot, but at the end of the season they just couldn’t finish it out.

Chicago Bulls

Okay, so let’s do the math.

Derrick Rose plays the whole regular season, and the Bulls make it to the 1st round of the playoffs.

Derrick Rose doesn’t play one single game, and the Bulls make it to the second round. Obviously this means the Bulls should bench Derrick Rose for the regular season. Okay, not seriously, but it is impressive they did this well. When healthy, he’s a top-10 player, and they managed to not only make the playoffs without him but win in the first round. Forgotten throughout this year is that the Bulls are a really good team, but with Derrick Rose they’re great. Hopefully Rose will get back to 100 percent so the Bulls can get back to their full strength and lose to the Miami Heat.

Cream of the Crop

Oklahoma City

If Kevin Durant was putting up these same numbers and LeBron James never existed, he would probably have at least two MVPs and possibly one championship ring. Think about that. He’s really, really good. We all know there’s a gap between Durant and LeBron, but people forget that Durant’s 24-years-old. The only things he’s trailing LeBron in are assists and a receeding hairline. Only time will tell if he’ll catch up in either category.

San Antonio Spurs

I really want feel bad for the Spurs, I really do. But Duncan’s already won four rings, and Tony Parker has three, so these guys have solidified their rankings in the Hall of Fame. A finals lost to the best player in the game doesn’t change that. And it’s impressive enough that they got this far six years after their last title run. But there’s no way the Spurs would’ve had more fun winning this ring than the Heat did. I mean, Gregg Popovich would’ve had the same facial expression either way, and I’m sure Tim Duncan was frustrated that it went to Game Seven anyway, seeing as he probably wanted to get home to catch the Star Wars marathon running on Spike. In an alternate universe, here’s the Spurs’ locker room post-Game Seven.

Gregg Popovich: good game. Let’s not make it so close next time. See you guys at practice tomorrow.

Miami Heat

You really couldn’t have asked for much more if you’re a Miami Heat fan. Your team lost enough games in the playoffs for people to slander your team, but then ended up winning the title and making them eat their words. The 27-game winning streak, the amazing comeback in Game Six of the finals—and thankfully the Heat were able to end that 364-day championship drought (really kinda embarrassing for the city of Miami, honestly).

I think that the Heat winning the championship isn’t just good for them, it’s good for the league as well. Sure, a lot of people don’t like them, or how they were formed. But viewers are viewers, and LeBron winning his second ring is going to make his fans prouder and his critics louder. Besides, sports are the best reality television, and Miami winning the title this year seemed like the right ending. If they’d lost, people they’d become less polarizing—they’d get criticism for a while, but then we wouldn’t care as much if they lost. We wouldn’t care as much if LeBron didn’t hit the game-winner, because we don’t expect him to. But the Heat did win, and now we care even more. Maybe it’s bad for the Heat, but it’s great for the league.

Watch out for these teams next year…

Indiana Pacers

The Pacers are already really good—they took the Heat to Game Seven in the Eastern Conference Finals. I’m telling Indiana to watch out for this team this year because they don’t watch them. They ranked 25th in attendance. Twenty-fifth! The Bobcats are right above them. If you went to Indianapolis and told them you were a Pacer fan, they’d laugh and tell you that cell phones replaced pagers long ago. Go watch your team, Indianapolis.

New Orleans Pelicans

New Orleans was bad this year, and that was expected. They had a lot of growing pains to work through. Anthony Davis played very well in the minutes he was given, and he’ll continue to develop as an offensive player. They did poorly enough to get a good draft pick, which they used to trade for Jrue Holiday, who was an all-star last year. With Holiday feeding him the ball, Davis has a real chance to be in the top 10 of players with unibrows next year.

Portland Trailblazers

The Blazers had a 33-49 record last year, which seems pretty bad. But there’s no way the Trailblazers were that bad of a team. With LaMarcus Aldridge and JJ Hickson (10.4 rebounds in less than 30 minutes a game) down low, and Rookie of the Year Damian Lillard up top, they were in playoff contention for a majority of the season. Then they suddenly went on a suspicious 13-game losing streak (which I’m 100 percent sure wasn’t tanking to get a better draft pick). The Trailblazers easily could’ve won 10 more games with the talent on the roster. Maybe those will come next season.