Okay, so your Grandma gave you a guitar last Christmas and you’ve been learning how to play. You’ve got a few chords down and you want to make the next logical step: a band. Never fear, for I am here to guide you down the road to fame and fortune.

First off, disregard all those silly rumors you’ve heard about talent being important. Instead of learning how to play more stuff, take the stuff that you already know and play it in a bunch of different ways. Congratulations; those are songs. It’s okay if they sound exactly alike. After you have some music laid down, practice bitching. Grab a pen and write down your bitchings, things like “there’s nothing to do,” “my girlfriend left me,” etc.

After you have a few songs, to find a few guys or gals to play them with. Again, don’t search for talent; strive to find “the look.” Blank eyes that stare into nothingness are sure signs of a winner. After you have two or three more band members, you all need to go shopping together. This ensures that you don’t buy any clothes that are too unique. Above all, think TIGHT. Black should be the number one color option, but navy blue will suffice if the store isn’t properly stocked. Remember, you’re not in Poison, so less is more.

Hairstyling is key. Your hair needs to be messy, but it takes a lot of work; you can’t just wet it and sleep on it. Once it’s disheveled enough, dye it black. Don’t worry if every band member’s is black. This is “mystique.”

Figure out a name. It must be no more than 3 words and the first word must be “The.” I don’t care if you were going to call your band Merciless Slaughter, change it to The Merciless Slaughterers.

Type up a bio to send to local venues, magazines, and college newspapers. Place heavy emphasis on your amazing live show. Also, reiterate that you guys are stripped down, no gimmicks. Never mind the fact that you haven’t played a single show yet, no one can tell from a press release, dummy.

After you score a few gigs, you may want to record a demo. If you’re really lucky, a record label A&R guy may have seen you play and thought that you were the next big thing. The label will probably want you to record an LP right away. That’s great, but immediately following the release of said LP, break up. Pay no attention to the fact that you were only a band for less than a year; later on, people are guaranteed to look back and call you geniuses. If you still want to play music, start another band immediately following the breakup. Everyone loves bands that form from other bands. You get bonus points if you can get all but one of the old band’s members in the new band. This will be easy because there is almost always at least one guy that gets on everybody’s nerves. (It’s usually the drummer).

After this point you don’t need my help anymore; just repeat as desired. Take it easy on the sex and drugs, but never let up on the rock n’ roll. Lastly, if anyone ever accuses you of being unoriginal or watered-down, just shrug and say, “Hey bro, I don’t care. I just want to play music.” Critics are jerks, anyway.