I’m not that big a fan of baseball.

Nothing against anybody who loves it or plays it, but for my money, baseball isn’t the best way to spend a summer afternoon.

Having said that, you can imagine my chagrin every time that I hear baseball referred to as “America’s Pastime.” What’s so American about baseball? If anything, it’s the fat guys in the crowd inhaling $5 hot dogs and $7 draft beers while yelling obscenities at the visiting team. It seems to me that it’s time for a changing of the guard; it’s a new century and this country needs a new pastime. Coincidentally, I have the perfect candidate.

Bowling.

You heard me right: bowling. Think about it, it’s perfect. Bowlers are a breed that live by very few rules; namely, don’t go over the line and always wear the right shoes. That’s it. There are no foul balls, no easy outs, and if you do poorly, you only have yourself to blame. In other words, no one can beat you; you can only beat yourself (Ha ha, get your mind out of the gutter).

But wait, it gets better. You can bowl day or night, rain or shine, come Hell or high water; there aren’t any rain delays. Not only that, but there are no seasons to bowling. The fact that it takes place indoors means that you can comfortably bowl 365 days a year, provided that you find an open alley.

Think about the way baseball is presented to the public. Take movies for instance: baseball has “Field of Dreams” and “Bull Durham.” I’m sure that there are more, but if you have two movies with Kevin Costner in them, you lose by default. Bowling, on the other hand, has “Kingpin” and “The Big Lebowski.” Again, there are probably more, but with those two in its corner, bowling wins by default.

If you still don’t think America deserves bowling as a national pastime, check this out. It doesn’t require any kind of athletic ability. You heard correctly, all you need is the strength to roll the ball down the lane, and they even make light balls for people that have trouble with that. (I roll an eight-pounder, and I’m totally cool with that.) You probably take 250-500 steps per game, and that includes trips to the bathroom.

Which brings me to my next selling point: you can drink beer right there while you bowl. And I’m not talking about the $7 beers that those sucker baseball fans are drinking; if you time it right, you can get $1 drafts delivered to you all night long. And did I mention the TVs that are playing right above each lane? You can’t get any more American than that!

I realize that there is already a lot of campaigning going on this time of year, but I wouldn’t bring this up unless I truly believed deep down that it was in America’s best interest. So put down this paper, find yourself a lane, and start bowling. Get a shirt with your name on it so you fit in with all the locals. By years end, the World Series will be over and the bowling alleys will be flooded with new talent. They probably won’t even have a baseball season next year. Bowling will be the new national pastime, and we’ll be right there to usher in a new era. Just don’t go over the line.

Bowling aficionado Walter Sobchak is a close personal friend of senior staff writer Brad Holland. Sobchak does not, however, roll on shabbos.