The 2006 MTV Video Music Awards, which aired Aug. 31, fell very short of the hype that MTV had created. Unenthusiastic celebrities, weak “live” performances and a list of stars missing in action shadowed what little entertainment was present. But as your Pop Culture Prince, let me break down the VMA’s highlights and even lower-lights.

The red carpet pre-show opened with a performance of Fergie’s “London Bridge.” Fergie, I love you and I love your song even more, but please spare us from a live performance when your lips don’t even match the lyrics. However, at least Fergie, who made my worst-dressed list, had gallons more personality than all the members of “Fall Out Boy” combined. Even Pete Went’s monkey (which disappeared half way through the show) upstaged his band, who did pick up the “Viewers Choice” award.

Other red-carpet disasters included T.I. and his entourage, Beyonce’s “She-Ra: Princess of Power” inspired gown, and Diddy refusing to talk (literally) in interviews. The worst of the worst goes to MTV VJ John Norris and his dyed toupee. Retire John and give your hairpiece to Christina Aguilera, who seriously needed a wig replacement.

Now my best of the red-carpet awards would have to go to Ludacris and Shakira. The rapper-turned-actor owned the pre-show with his chic new look; VJ Sway should take some pointers. And Shakira, who went under-awarded, looked amazing in a simple black dress and showed that her hips “don’t lie” when she performed her hit single with Wyclef.

The actual award show was doomed from the start when MTV hired the less-than-funny Jack Black as the host. I would be willing to bet that every joke he made bombed – a laugh track was needed. My advice to MTV, bring back Ben Stiller.

Justin Timberlake proved he is back with more cool (and street credit) than ever. Unfortunately, Lil’ Kim’s return from prison wasn’t so welcomed by the crowd. Looks like Kim has just been “Nexted.” And that tyke from “Little Miss Sunshine” stole the show when she had to ask “Humps” Queen, Fergie, for help pronouncing the name of Best New Artist winner, Avenged Sevenfold. But I want to know, where were Kelly Clarkson, Ashlee Simpson, Nelly Furtado and The Fray?

As for the clothes, Shakira is joined on the best-dressed list by: Diddy, Nicky Hilton, Cassie, Timberlake, 30 Seconds to Mars and Nicole Richie. Those doomed to fashion exile include: LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Sarah Silverman and T.I. The best performance of the night was a tie between Beyonce and Panic! At The Disco, while the best red-carpet host was, by far, SuChin Pak. The worst couple of the night, J. Lo and Marc Anthony, were upstaged by the night’s best couple, sister act, Paris and Nicky Hilton. Black nail polish was the hottest trend, while the untied bow tie was the best accessory. The stars of the show celebrated music guru Hype Williams along with Panic! At The Disco, who won Video of the Year. And finally, the night’s biggest loser was, hands down, Pink. The singer looked awful with a torn up pant/gown outfit and an attitude to match. The crowd quickly picked up on her unenthused manner when they booed her after winning Best Pop Video for “Stupid Girls,” where she mocks Hollywood hotties Jessica Simpson, The Olsens, Lindsay Lohan and Paris. She was ironically presented the award by Nick Lachey and Nicole Richie.

I guess all I can say in summary is that the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards will be remembered as-wait, they won’t be remembered. Maybe next year MTV. Maybe.