In light of North Carolina’s drought, the Oozeball Committee came up with an idea that kept the Oozeball tradition alive but also befriended the environment. Instead of having a fire truck spray down the fields, each Oozeball team will bring five gallons of their own water. Everyone wins! Wait … what?! That doesn’t sound any better.

Want to know what really would be “Eco-Oozeball?”

No oozeball.

That’s right. Look, we’re in a drought. As in, we don’t have enough water – the essential element for life. Balding middle-aged men can’t water their lawns, children can’t skip merrily through sprinklers – so college kids shouldn’t mudwrestle. It’s pretty basic.

I might be wrong here (biology majors, help me out), but it’s my understanding that putting the prefix “Eco” in front of something doesn’t magically make it environmentally friendly. Let’s do the math: The plan calls for each team to bring five gallons of water each. Registration hasn’t started for this year’s event, but last year there were 50 teams, so using that number, we can determine that “Eco-Oozeball” is Eco-wasting 250 gallons of water.

Two hundred and fifty gallons. Sound wasteful? Probably because it is.

The worst part is that doesn’t even count the post-Oozeball shower one must take. Again, 50 teams, with an average of seven players each, which totals 350 people. A 10-minute shower uses about 50 gallons of water, which means that if each player showers, that’ll be another 17,500 gallons of water.

That totals nearly 20,000 gallons of wasted water during or directly because of “Eco-Oozeball.” Thanks, guys.

Now, I know what you could be but probably aren’t thinking: “But why cancel Oozeball? It’s a longstanding tradition, and there’ll be a student uproar.”

Just like the Phase III protest? They were really outraged. All eight of them.

But you know what? After further thought, you might be right. The Phase III plan called for the decimation, er, I mean, marginalization of one of the few wooded areas remaining on campus, but there was little resistance to it – our Student Body President even voted for it. So, maybe, dumping gallons of drinking water onto the ground falls right in step with UNCW’s ideology: disregarding the environment.

Remember, Oozeball is a tradition, and traditions are more important than, well, the rest of the world.