Last Saturday a gun buyback at Grace Methodist local church ended thirty minutes after it began when their $4,000 budget, donated by private citizens, ran out.

In just half an hour, the church purchased 67 firearms. Residents, apparently, have more guns than they can buy back from each other. With so many citizens armed to protect one another, it’s hard to believe there’s been such an increase in local gun violence, which began with a 48% increase in the first half of 2011 according to Wilmington Police.

Don’t let the buybacks make you nervous, though; there are still plenty of guns floating around Wilmington. The church was only able to offer $100 for shotguns, handguns and rifles and $200 for assault rifles, making the buybacks largely ineffective.

While inspiring, the local resistance to widespread gun ownership is misguided. The solution for gun violence obviously lies in expanding areas where concealed weapons can be carried. What better way to protect citizens from shootings than to make sure everyone in every public space has a gun? Better yet, two or three guns, in case the first runs out of bullets.

It’s like the Students for Concealed Carry website says: “guns save lives.” An article on their online home page points out that if, in Texas, you can take your concealed gun to church and the mall and the movie theatre, why not to school, too?

The article even features a comforting picture of Rick Perry looking perfectly rational, waving a gun in the air and yelling with a devil-may-care attitude. That is the sort of environment we need to encourage. We need to think more like the Texans.

We should bring guns everywhere. We should bring guns to the dentist office and ballet recitals, we should bring guns to puppy adoptions. You just never know when you’ll need a gun, and a spare couldn’t hurt.

Fortunately, our state legislatures, looking out for our best interests as always, passed a bill on July 23 permitting citizens to carry concealed weapons in restaurants, bars, greenways, parks, and public recreation areas. The good news for students is that, despite resistance from chancellors and campus police chiefs, concealed weapons will also be allowed on college campuses.

The biggest problem with this bill, in my opinion, is that students have to leave their guns locked in their cars and cannot bring them to class. If there is a gunman on campus, a crazy one, not a regular peace-loving local gun owner, students will have to sprint to their cars to retrieve their personal firearms for protection.

This poses a special problem to UNCW students, who have all at one time or another, found themselves caught in a sudden rain shower on campus. This would lead to slippery sprinting conditions and may impede on the student’s ability to defend themselves.

Until society progresses to a rational state where student safety is ensured by keeping stacks of guns at the ready in every classroom, maybe next to the first aid kit, I believe I have a solution: Kevlar umbrellas.

This way whenever it starts to rain, either bullets or precipitation, students will be prepared. We can hand them out with orientation t-shirts.

Whenever students hear gunfire, they can stop, drop, and pop open their umbrellas. Surely parents will rest easier knowing their child is safely huddled behind bullet-proof raingear.

Of course, students who find themselves indoors during a shooting will have to decide whether opening the umbrella will be worth the seven years bad luck.