We’ve all heard it.  In the classroom, on the playground, in a sanctuary, even in the workplace: treat others as you would treat yourself.  It’s a sad thought when you think about it, though.  It assumes that we are selfish people that put our own personal desires and needs above everyone else.  It serves to remind us to stop living self-absorbed lives and only working for our own personal success and encourages us to think about others and how we can serve and love them in the same way that we would serve and love ourselves.

But what if we don’t love ourselves? What about those for whom the assumption doesn’t take? I’m thoroughly grieved to say I learned very little about self-love and respect in Sunday School.  The golden rule, an inherently Christian proverb from Matthew 22:39 states “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (or in Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you”).  This ancient teaching has been plastered across church walls and colored onto refrigerator magnets but we don’t always talk about what it means in totality.  I can vividly remember lesson after lesson and sermon after sermon that fixated on how to love others.  They were beautiful and necessary and encouraged this intense desire in me to be a loving person. Lessons like these helped to develop a strong to desire to love others well as a young girl.  While loving others in full and complete dedication is nearly impossible, I worked hard to love others with my whole heart and words and actions.  Nevertheless I failed time and again of course, as loving others can be challenging and oftentimes a burden.

While my seemingly futile attempt to love specific individuals was ultimately a positive and well-intended goal, it was lacking.  I wasn’t quite following the golden rule or Matthew’s sacred proverb.  I didn’t know how to love myself. Somehow, in between serving and loving others, no one taught me how to love myself.  This type of love was never discussed or deemed necessary in my church community.  Thus, as I grew in the Word and in the Christian church, I stumbled from self-respect and love into feelings of worthlessness and failure.

Now, looking back at my upbringing and the person I’m growing into today, I’ve come to realize how essential self-love and respect are in an individual’s life.  I want to emphasize its necessity and encourage others to explore different ways they can love and appreciate themselves for who they are.

But first, we must ask the question: why is teaching self love so important? Is it really that big of a deal? Aren’t we selfish and self-absorbed enough?

These are questions I have asked myself as I have struggled to understand what self-love really looks like and what it means to respect oneself in the midst of a narcissistic and self-absorbed culture.  How can we love ourselves without falling into the obsessive and selfish phenomena our culture so enthusiastically embraces?

Everyone is selfish.  It’s the bane of the human existence.  It’s a cause of conflict and brokenness and corruption.  People who love themselves are selfish. People who struggle with loving themselves are selfish.  However, we can and must still teach and promote self-love and respect despite our selfish natures because the two are inherently different.  Self-love entails respect and consideration for our spirits and livelihoods whereas selfishness encroaches on the spirits and livelihoods of others.

I remember feeling this sense of worthless and hopelessness as a young child failing to love her sisters well. I remember hearing Sunday School lessons about first judging your own heart and motives before criticizing the actions and thoughts of your friends: “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5). I came to understand that I was always in the wrong, that I was the one to blame.

In middle and parts of high school, I devoted myself to living a godly life.  For me, this primarily entailed being an active member of my Church community, pursuing God in the Word and in prayer on a daily basis, and being an example to my peers and individuals in my secular communities of God’s love and mercy. This pursuit of holiness left me hopeless.  The more I read the Bible and the more Calvinist sermons I heard preached on the total depravity of humankind, I deeper I fell into a damaging cycle of failure and worthlessness.  I do not believe that this was or is God’s intent or the church’s goal; yet, the lessons I learned and the way I was taught to be a believer neglected to remind me that I needed to love and respect myself.

Time and again, I heard about how worthless we were without Jesus.  About how corrupt our hearts are and how evil our intentions can be.  Every time I prayed or read the Bible, I sobbed into the thin pages of the Old Testament and wondered how anyone could ever love me if my soul was truly this hideous.

If this is all we focus on, if this is the primary center of attention in the church, some of us will fall. If all we focus on is our sin and how evil and corrupt our minds and bodies and souls are, we will slip. We can plummet into this deep depression where we stop liking ourselves altogether. Here, in this dark pit, cruel voices visit and spread lies about who we are. Here, in this wave of hopelessness, depression sojourns and leaves his scarring mark. Here, the lack of love can transform into anxiety and suicidal thoughts and eating disorders and self-harm and complete and ultimate sacrifice to any outsider who might show compassion or a glimpse of love for you.  This is why neglecting self love is dangerous – it has this terrifying potential to take the heart and soul captive. Prisoners, we feel unable to free ourselves from the seemingly endless cycle of worthlessness and destruction. If you were brought up in a Christian community that focuses on the Calvinist idea of total depravity and the ultimate hideousness of your soul, it’s easy to to succumb to the idea that you’re unlovable. It’s nearly preached to us from pulpits.  Instead of getting angry about the way the Church oftentimes – and in this case I believe unintentionally – promotes negative values, we need to work together to create a new dialogue surrounding self-love, loving others, and our own personal worth.

Even if you aren’t an active member of a Christian community, you are still able to be affected by the standard of the golden rule and the uncomfortable assumptions it makes.

So let’s fight it. Let’s teach each other that respecting and loving yourself is okay.  That it can be beautiful and important.  Let’s remind each other that we are worth something. That, despite our scars, transgressions, and arduous histories, we are lovable human beings.  And just as others love us, we must learn to love ourselves and fight the harrowing introspection that so often cripples our self-confidence and dismembers our hearts and souls.

So if you’ve made it to the end of these jumbled thoughts and passionate ramblings, please take away this one core thought: the lack of teaching about self-love, particularly in the church, is a problem. Let’s work to open a dialogue about how we treat ourselves and what it truly means to love someone as you love yourself.  Let’s make the golden rule valid and true: let’s love ourselves as much as we love other people.